A lot has been said about falling in love. Many debates have been waged over the concept of love at first sight. It has been described as an instantaneous attraction to someone you don’t know or have just met. It is all consuming for some making it difficult to think of anything else.
The Italians talk of the thunderbolt or lightning strike; “Colpo di fulmine”. Gordon Livingston describes it as mindless and I think he’s onto something there. I believe that when you fall in love or experience love at first sight it is a state of mindlessness. It is your pure bliss experiencing somebody else’s pure bliss. It is the moment when the mind is absent and the heart is in charge. It is beyond judgement, limitations and fear. You float about in the ecstasy of it and experience incredible joy. What an amazing gift given to us! A reminder through another that we are all consciousness, that we are all love.
So what then of love that goes bad? Why do we fall ‘out of love’ with each other? The thing is, it doesn’t go bad and we don’t fall out of love. We engage the mind and sometimes slowly, or sometimes quickly, we forget our bliss. We begin to apply labels and conditions. We start to hash over the past and plot a future, ignoring the beauty of the present moment. Falling in love is born from the present moment, when there is a gap of the conscious mind. A tiny crack that can shatter all the illusions you have bought into about who you are.
When you fall in love imperfections disappear. A person will appear to you in all their glory as their true selves. As pure energy. You’ve broken through all the layers and can experience their soul with your own. You feel accepting, tolerant, loving, connected, kind and generous. Being in love makes you feel bold, daring and open hearted. It allows you a freedom to express yourself, and you will want your beloved to express themselves too.
From our state of being in love and being content with the other, we begin to apply our perceptions and beliefs to that person. Imperfections in ourselves and others are born of the mind.
Depending on how you were raised and what your society says, a list of good and bad will begin to appear. You will begin to tick some boxes and cross some other things out. You will start telling the other what you don’t like about them or behaviours you will not tolerate. You will give them conditions of your love and issue ultimatums when they don’t behave in the way you think they should. You will withdraw your love from them as punishment and remind them how you confided in them about your past hurts and how they should know better. You will question your future together. You will manipulate and coerce and cry. You will grieve the illusion you had created in your mind about who that person was and say things like “well, I never really knew them anyway”. If you made your commitment legally binding, you will find yourself signing documentation stating your union has broken down irretrievably.
Despite all of this, your love is just sitting hidden beneath blame, guilt, failure and shame. You may stumble around for a while feeling emotionally crippled and disconnected. You will go about your business with a wound and you might vow never to fall in love again. Then one day, completely unexpectedly, you will experience your colpo di fulmine again with somebody else.
If you are aware and you love yourself, you can lovingly accept the other as they are. You can easily forgive them if they hurt you and you can be vulnerable and open with them. Or you can repeat the process of trying to filter love through the mind, ultimately forgetting yourself and the other. Same situation, different person. The number of times you wish to experience this is completely up to you. You can also reject falling in love altogether and feel incredible fear if you get even a hint of it happening again. Our ego’s fear love because it has the power to dissolve the identity we have created. Love threatens to expose us and make us feel naked. We are frightened that another will see all our faults and reject us. Yet our faults are mind-made and when we surrender to love, all concepts of this just melts away.
The greatest illusion of falling in love is that there is one special soul mate. There is no one person that will complete you. There is no one person that is perfect for you. If you look for fulfilment in the other you will never find it. If you look for the perfect person to have a relationship with, the odds are against you in the first instance. However, if you turn your attention inwards to see your own perfection you will fall in love with yourself. Then it is only natural that you will draw others into your experience that feel the same about themselves.
Love will become a constant in your life and not something to tumble in and out of. To fall in love is to remember, to fall out of love is to forget. Don’t forget it and there is no need to remember it. Just be love and everything else will fall into place.
“ 4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;[a 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 8 Love never ends” – 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (New English version)