Love is the Absence of Fear


Dear Seamus,

The purest, most incredible energy you can ever experience is love. You come from love so it is natural to want to express it freely and openly. However, our society has paired love with possessiveness and we wonder why we all have such a warped idea of what love is.

Some of the oldest of teachings, say that love and fear cannot coexist. It is freedom or captivity, you cannot have both. Yet our beliefs are that love is something that is to be possessed, contained and controlled. One of the biggest examples of this can be marriage. Most marriages occur out of fear. Fear of being alone, fear of being rejected, and fear of the other leaving us for greener pastures. For those that are fearful, putting a ring on some ones finger means you have license to keep tabs on them. You can make them accountable for your feelings and reactions. That tiny metal ring becomes a collar, a way to mark another as ‘yours’. Marriage is a legal agreement which can masquerade as a contract of love. The agreement can then become a weapon when the perceived love is abused or rejected.

When I was a very young girl I used to have nightmares about my wedding day. My fear associated with marriage was palpable. I never dreamed of a wedding and felt love, freedom and bliss. I was always desperately disorganized, had bridesmaids I didn’t know, didn’t know to whom I was getting married and usually didn’t have the right shoes to match the dress! I would wake from these dreams feeling incredibly anxious. I never had any logical explanation as to why I had these strange dreams but it put me right off marriage!

Please don’t misunderstand me darling, I am not against marriage. In fact I believe you can have a marriage without the ceremony. The commitment without the ring. The essence of a marriage made from love is to give the other complete freedom to be themselves. Love is total acceptance and fearlessness. If you feel resentment, jealousy and insecurity then you are living through fear. Not only that but you are missing out on the real connection that you can have with that person.

When you are locked in a cage you will only desire your freedom. Freedom and love go blissfully hand in hand. Fear and possessiveness are nervous and suspicious companions.

You will be with another and have a set idea of who they are, a perception. Then, one day, your beloved will act ‘out of character’ and you will be confused and quite possibly hurt by what they did or said. They in turn will have their own perception of themselves and another perception of you. So already there have been several versions of you and several versions of your partner existing in the relationship. Their behavior may well trigger some of your wounds and your old emotional scars will open up for you to pour salt into. An opportunity will arise to confirm some beliefs you may have about yourself:

I always pick the wrong person. I knew I couldn’t trust others. I knew I would get hurt again. I am unlovable. I am better off single.
And on and on it will go, depending on your previous life experiences and belief systems.

You no longer view the other with the eyes of love, you are seeing with fear. If you are seeing with fear then you are cutting yourself off from the source of all there is. The source of all there is, is love. Yet you choose to forget because if you remembered, then you would know that fear could simply not exist. When you remember that you are love you realize that you are connected to all things. When you accept completely that love is flowing through you and is of you and you are of it, you will no longer feel the need to seek it outside yourself. That is what happens when we have relationships, we are searching for that which we think we do not have. So when we find it in another, we want to keep it. We want to put it in a cage in case it should fly away one day and we are left with nothing. That is fear and not love. So first, you must love yourself. You must understand your completeness and perfection.

Then, when you have the opportunity to truly love another, you will love them openly and completely. You will want with all your heart for them to be an authentic expression of themselves. If they are not, then who are you really having the relationship with? You will only experience a perception of love and it is bound to breed fear. If that person you are having a relationship with decides to end it and move on, you will feel hurt. However, don’t ask yourself why don’t they love you, instead ask what don’t you love about yourself? Why do you feel lacking without the other?

Seamus, you will know if love is real when you continue to choose love above fear. You will not want the other to behave in a certain way, to think set things or to bear the responsibility for your emotions. You will want for them what you want for yourself, because you are them and they are you. Give them their freedom so that you can enjoy your own. This can take practice but it is the only way to love. If they must move on then let them go and know that if you are being love, it is inevitable that you will draw in another experience of sharing with somebody else. Whether it lasts forever is not the point because love is not quantifiable, it is a quality. It is an expression, a force so great it cannot ever be harnessed. It is only to be experienced.

“In the track of fear we have so many conditions, expectations, and obligations that we create a lot of rules just to protect ourselves against emotional pain, when the truth is that there shouldn’t be any rules” – Don Miguel Ruiz, The Mastery of Love


Published by

Melanie Rose Killick

Melanie Rose Killick writes to her baby son Seamus about life, death and the amazing gift of cancer.

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