We are given many messages throughout life about what it means to be strong in the face of adversity. Of being ‘resilient’, to ‘keep ones chin up’ and to ‘carry on against the odds’. You see, to be strong like this is perceived as good. To show weakness or to be seen as not coping, is judged as bad. If you do succumb to the intense pressures of trying to keep it all together and end up falling apart emotionally, your behaviour can be viewed by others as failure. In my experience there was no harsher critic than the voice in my own head.
I have come to know now, that an extremely important part of our growth process is to surrender. Surrender is such a beautiful tool as too often we are going against the grain and creating suffering and hardship for ourselves. It is our opportunity to release the illusion of control, to step out of the tiny confinement of our minds and give ourselves over to the greater plan. To surrender is to make the space in which we can begin to create again from a sense of love and not fear.
I have clung to things so tightly in the past that when surrender finally came, there was a spectacular fall out. I remember dark hours of endless crying and feeling emotionally drained. Calling in sick for work because I felt too vulnerable to face the world. Because I am an enquirer by nature, I have tormented myself as to the reasons why I have fallen down, desperately seeking answers from an empty abyss. My experience of surrender never matched the strong willed, capable and determined concept of myself. This is where I believe, I was onto something.
Osho teaches that breakdowns are actually breakthroughs. Breakdowns, which suffer the ire of judgement, are actually the pathway to an incredible conversion which leads you back to yourself. Back to your truest nature. Back to your authenticity, which has been forgotten along the path.
We can experience ourselves conceptually or we can experience ourselves as our true nature. The closer we can get to living our truest way possible, the less we will become tied to ideas of who we are. This may conflict so strongly with who we really are, that we need to literally break down those ideas through an emotional crisis.
This is where surrender can be important, so we can make small adjustments, consciously. So we can check if and how we are honouring the experience of life that is exclusive to us. To embed ourselves back into the incomparable, unprecedented, one and only expression of our divine uniqueness.
Trust me when I say I am writing this letter to myself as much as I am writing it to you darling. I still struggle with surrender and require a reminder to be more aware of the gap that exists between the idea of who I am and who I really am. I am trying to be more gracious in allowing me to be, well, me. I catch myself swimming in the concept that I will be this super evolved, ever accepting, all-knowing, pillar of strength Mother to you. Then I falter against this version of myself by setting the bar too high and require some humbling in the form of surrender.
The best way I can explain surrender to you, is to show you how I have woven it into my life. To make it clear that to surrender can have such incredible potency for realignment. If you can observe me marking my own life with moments of ceasing to be caught up in an idea of myself, then that will be encouragement for you to celebrate the glory of you.
I continue to unlearn so that I might be able to impart to you, that everything you ever truly need to know is contained in your heart.
I am enjoying watching you grow and I adore you more than I could ever explain.
So my gorgeous little man, orchestrate your life in whatever way you choose but remember the important agent of surrender. It is more powerful than the biggest ideas about strength and it takes more courage to give up than it does to carry on.
Surrender will always guide you home.
“The reason why many are still troubled, still seeking, still making little forward progress is because they haven’t yet come to the end of themselves. We’re still trying to give orders, and interfering with God’s work within us”- A.W. Tozer